Another child?

After having your first child, having another can seem such a big decision. This is especially if you have been sleep deprived for a while. Sleep deprivation makes you go back and forth in your decision about having more children. I have had friends who have advised that if I'm sleep deprived, I should have another one since I'm not getting much sleep anyway. However, my reasoning is I couldn't deal with any less sleep than what I'm getting at the moment. Some parents are amazing to put up with even less sleep with another child.

So, when is a good time to have another child? Some parents like a very close age gap of about 1 year and some between 2-3 years. I know of a mother who, shortly after giving birth to her first child, talked about having another. I couldn't imagine myself doing that as I was learning the ropes of being a mother, was exhausted but was also grappling with the lack of my own personal time and space. But as we're all different in our ways, we know what we can or can't cope.

The discussion about having another child is often out of our hands, especially for us. We didn't fall pregnant with Miss P quickly. It took us 18 months and a laparoscopy operation and 3 months after that, it resulted in the desired lines in the pregnancy test. What joy!

Yet when talk of another child came up between Mr B and I, we were hesitant. Miss P hadn't been sleeping consistently well. Some nights were better than others. Some other nights were quite disastrous. There was a period where she would wake at midnight or 2am and then it'll take us between 2-4 hours to get her back to sleep. We were like zombies!! Did we want another child?

However, since it took so long with Miss P, we thought we better start thinking about no. 2. And believe it or not, within a few months, we've fallen pregnant. So different this time! And perhaps I should say here that it's the reason I've not been blogging as regularly as I like. Pregnancy nausea and tiredness haven't been great. Even though the nausea is still lingering, I must have gotten used to it because I don't feel as down about it as I was at the start of this pregnancy. Bub no. 2 is due in early July.....and we can't wait!

Was having another child a big decision for you? Was it a difficult or easy one?

Love.Wisdom.Motherhood

by Victoria

For my recent birthday, Mr B bought me a kindle and I picked up my reading habit which was stalled when Phoebe was born. The first book I bought and downloaded was Jessica Rowe's book, Love.Wisdom.Motherhood



I wanted to read this book because as a relatively new mother (my little one is 22 months old), I love finding out about other parents' experiences, how they cope with looking after their child/ children, and the little lessons learnt.

I find that parenting experiences is not an area that we delve into. Publicly, celebrities may say they are loving every moment of parenthood (which really irritated me when I first became a mother cos I wondered what was so great about sleep deprivation) or are having a hard time but generally no details or specifics of their experiences or ways they get through the difficult times. Thus, this book gave invaluable insights into how some prominent women in Australia juggled motherhood and other demands on their lives and time.

This book interviewed famous mothers in Australia such as actress Lisa McCune, designer Heidi Middleton (one half of Sass and Bide), comedian Wendy Harmer, designer Collette Dinigan, Governor-General Quentin Bryce, athlete Nova Perris, Westpac CEO Gail Kelly, etc.

To me, these women coped with motherhood brilliantly. They juggle being a wife and mother (unpaid work) as well as paid work. So, it was quite revealing to read about some of their struggles and the most dominant feeling seemed to be guilt. Yet, that guilt propelled them to be a better parent while also trying to juggle other demands. It was amazing, inspiring and encouraging!

Lisa McCune found a way to juggle location shoots with looking after her baby, by asking the local nurse for help in exchange for a chance for them to view the filming process. Heidi Middleton's battle with cancer was tough and I really felt for her as I read about how she fought off cancer. Gail Kelly had to cope with having four children, including triplets, and Collette Dinigan with being a single parent.

My favourite chapter would have to be the one on Wendy Harmer. She was so refreshingly honest when she said that there were certain things in parenting that she didn't enjoy, such as "playing with little kids". And it was comforting to read her assurance when she said that "it doesn't matter how much time you spend with your children - it will never be enough....because, if children could, they would have you with them for every second of every day". Wendy also shared how different parenting her 2 children were. That Marley was a baby who was content to lie in his cot and didn't need her to cuddle him all the time, while her second child, Maeve, was the opposite. There are so many other revealing insights into her and her husband's parenting journey, which helped me feel that it's quite normal to sometimes feel inadequate or that I could have done better.

There are still so many other amazing mothers who are interviewed in this book and I am thankful that Jessica Rowe wrote it and that the women were forthcoming (some more than others) with their stories and their journeys.

What is your mothering journey like? This book would assure you that you are not alone. It would also remind us that we need to ask family or friends for help and that your children love you for your good or bad moments because the vital thing is that we keep trying to be a better parent for them.

Sleep Deprivation

by Victoria

I was just reading a mother's account of caring for her newborn baby and dealing with sleep deprivation in the papers and it struck a chord. She talked about hallucinating that her baby's head spun around like Chucky when she was in hospital, after giving birth. She continued to breastfeed, even though that was causing her to have little sleep, because of the relentless advice she was receiving that breast was best (it is but at what cost?). She would have at most, a 45 minute unbroken sleep at night. Once, when she was advised to pump her breast milk so she could sleep through the night while her husband tended to the baby, she woke in the middle of the night to see their baby asleep on her husband's chest. She snatched the baby up, which woke everyone up. While struggling to get sleep, she was also struggling to be the perfect mother. It all sounded so familiar and speaks of an inner battle most new mothers and fathers would understand.

Our Miss P is now 21 months old but it was only 3 months ago that she started to sleep through the night. Before that, she would have slept through the night less than 5 times since she was born. I never knew what torture was like until I suffered sleep deprivation. I was angry, impatient, and tired physically, mentally and emotionally. Everything was a drag. I would think of my day ahead and wonder how I would survive the day feeling so tired and having to care for her. Some days I still feel like that but these days, it's usually because I was up reading late into the night, so entirely my fault.

I remember that when Miss P hadn't yet slept through the night, every evening, before Mr B and I went to bed, we would wonder how many times she would wake up and how long it'll take us to get her back to sleep. I remember feeling quite depressed knowing that we'll have an interrupted night's sleep ahead of us. Even Mr B would comment about how depressed he was thinking about the night ahead, which was unusual for him as he tend not to be as forthcoming with his feelings as I am.

I recall feeling sad for myself when I would read my friends' facebook statuses either that their child slept through or that they had one bad night. I was thinking "one bad night? I haven't yet have one good night!" Here I was struggling to get 5 hours of unbroken sleep and I found myself sometimes resenting having chosen to be a mother. I didn't resent Miss P, just the difficulties of motherhood and sad that I didn't have another pair of hands in the day when Mr B was at work.

What caused Miss P to begin to sleep through? We have no exact answers but there were a few things that happened during that time. One, after being stubborn about it for so long, I gave up my cappuccino fix that I would have several times a week. It was also around this time that we took Miss P to a playschool concert and bought her a Jemima doll which she took a liking to and would take her pretty much everywhere with her. We tucked Jemima in bed with her and found that over time, when she would cry out at night and my husband would get up to her, she would cuddle Jemima, kiss her several times, and get back to sleep. We tried to give her several comfort options previously but she never took to them. Now, she has found her comfort doll. We were so happy! It was like the antidote we were looking for but had no idea which one would work. I had also chosen then to give up the night feeds which meant Mr B got up to her, instead of me.

After the experience of sleep deprivation, what would I say to parents who are currently sleep deprived? Take turns to get up to the child at night, ask different people for help in the day so you can nap. Make sleep your 1st priority. Even if you can't actually sleep, lie down and rest. It is calming and gives you a chance to take a break. With practise, it is likely you would fall asleep more easily the next time. Don't be disheartended if someone remarks that your child should sleep through the night by now. Each child, like every adult, is different. They will sleep through the night in their own time. For now, catch sleep whenever you can, and don't take on the mothering role alone. Remember the saying, "it takes a village to raise a child".

Nature vs Nurture

by Victoria

An ex-colleague of mine posted this article, Hey Parents, Leave Those Kids Alone, on his facebook page recently which intrigued me enough to read it. It picked up the debate over Amy Chua, nicknamed the Tiger mum, the Yale Professor who wrote about her strict parenting style in her book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother". This article responded to the question of how much pressure we should apply on our children with "none".

The debate over nature (the talents and abilities you're born with) and nurture (the training and environment you grow up in) is a never-ending one. I like to think that neither the total 'hands-off' approach of totally kicking back and letting nature take its course, nor pushing your child until they, and you, are close to losing your minds, is the solution to giving a child the best opportunity in life. The best would be to balance nature and nurture but the trick is figuring out the right balance. And that is perhaps what makes parenting one fine art.

I suppose there is always a concern that some parents would look at their kids and say,"he or she is never going to be a doctor/ nurse/ carpenter/ hairdresser, so we should just all kick back", and at the other extreme, parents who always say "they can be better", and constantly criticising their children without celebrating their achievements.

In addition, we read of famous sports stars, like Tiger Woods, who has in the past credited his father for being tough with him which contributed to his success in golf. Therefore, the critical question is "do we push our kids in areas where they are talented or is it far better that they push themselves in something they enjoy even if they are not talented in that area?"

For me, I feel it's important that Miss P learns that to achieve something, hard work is a prerequisite. Yet within that lesson, I want her to know that she has free will too and not exasperate her by making all of life's choices for her. It's important that she learns the consequences of some of her choices. For example, if you sleep late, you'll wake up feeling awful and grumpy. So, it's better to sleep early and enjoy your day ahead. Whether she'll understand or choose to understand is quite another thing, but I can only try. That said, this parenting journey is a 2-way street. As much as Miss P learns from me, I'm sure I'll learn from her too.


I am not a Tiger Mum aspirant and have no desire to be one. While I like to think I take pride in my child's achievements, I do concur with a friend who said that she does not take credit for her child's good or bad behaviour. This is because while they were growing up, she emphasised the importance of being responsible and of owning up to what they had done. She felt that there is a tendency these days to lay the blame on someone else when something goes wrong in one's life and there is a failure to take responsibility for one's own actions.


To end this little post on nature vs nurture, I came across this little quote in my local gym which resonated with me, is relevant to this topic, and one that I'll like to share with you:

Success is best measured by how far you've come with the talents you have. ~ Anonymous

I'll love to hear about your parenting style or a style you aspire to, and how do you strike the right balance in parenting?